While dipping his sheep one afternoon, an old sheepherder with eagle eyes noticed a bulge on the southwestern horizon. Texas Big Bend heat casts mirages, so he kept staring, but sure enough the hump grew into a slowly towering column.
Thunder shook earth under his feet and trembled in his bones, but he managed to scurry to meagre shelter in a shallow Arroyo as all hell headed closer.
A hail of sand, pebbles and then stones rained momentarily before sudden silence descended, interrupted only by scraping and loud snorting.
Then boomed what had to be the Devil himself, "YOU SMELL GOOD!"
The next instant a great snarling bear wearing a spiked collar found him, bit his shirt collar, pulled him from the ditch and dragged him before the ugliest giant of worst nightmares astride a massive bull.
Meanwhile, the last of the dust was still settling a bit.
"GET ME A DRINK," bellowed the bull rider.
The sheepherder got some water, but this only annoyed his guest.
"That sheep dip is the only other..." he began to explain, but the thirst beat him to the punch line where the mad hulk dipped hatfulls of sheep dip lustfully guzzled.
He then hastily ate two sheep before climbing back up on the bull.
"What, er... who are you?"
"No time to GAB," came the strangely suddenly subdued hoarse whisper, as if ghosts could hear years away, and next, "gotta go pronto."
The friendly old sheepherder was very curious, so he just asked, "What the rush, pard'?"
"Someone's after me," he said in an astonishingly altered voice not quite yet prepared to meet its maker, continuing, "In few minutes you're gonna see the biggest, meanest bastard that ever walked..."
He sobbed, and his wake raised more earth.
William Shatner sat on an old plug while regaling us with his version of this sporting yarn:
Tommy LaSorta was beating the Bush leagues for a power hitter for fourth up in the batting order. Word was out, and all sorts tried out, but none made the old manager happy.
Then one day, a horse showed up with his agent, who explained how "this horse can do it all most."
Unbelievably, the horse was great. In practice, he could catch, pitch, play any base or field, but best of all, his hitting average was astronomical.
So, at his first game, with a man on first, the horse was fourth up, and on the first pitch, he knocked a line drive out to the fence right between left and center, and then just stood there.
LaSorta lost his mind, screaming, "RUN! RUN!"
The horse replied, haughtily, "Run?"
"Yeah, bonehead, RUN," LaSorta bellowed at the top of his lungs.
The horse simply chuckled, and then said matter-of-factly, "If I could run, I'd be at Hialeah."
Mrs. Smith had invited her lady friends over to her house for a get-together one afternoon, but she wouldn't be quite finished getting changed into more appropriate attire before her guests started arriving. So, she gave
Mr. Smith strict instructions to greet them when they arrived without again demonstrating that he had foot-in-mouth syndrome.
However, when she finally appeared to meet with her friends, they had already left. She asked him why, so he tried to explain that Mrs. Jones had told Mrs. Brown about annoying mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown had said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes. All he had asked was who held their little legs apart.
Serendipity may strike suddenly, as when a compact car wheel came off next to a hospital mental ward building one day in downtown LA. The driver pulled over as he stopped, got out, retrieved the wheel, and then looked in vain for the four missing lugnuts. As he scratched his head, a calm voice emanated from an open window where a smiling patient had been watching. The patient very patiently suggested, "You can get a nut from the other three wheels, use them for that wheel, and you have three on each wheel to at least get to a parts store or garage for more."
"That's a good idea," replied the driver, continuing, "You seem to be on the ball, so, what are you doing in a place like this?"
The patient just laughed and said, "I'm crazy, not STUPID!"
The Kee-kee bird discovered by my dad, as he was ordered to report what he was known for during WWII USAAC cadet training, went something like this:
"Sir, I am known for discovering the Kee-kee bird. It flies around in ever-diminishing concentric circles* until it flies up its own keester, where it cries, "Kee-kee-RIST! It's DARK in here," Sir!"